Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If only.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.