If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was