My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
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*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My first son he is wonderful
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week