[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war