(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick