Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background