The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being