I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.