HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.