If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I don’t know what to do
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid