Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business