[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Just grow your own
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this