WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took