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Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
no!! no!!!!!!
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
This is so me 😂😂
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“i miss shittin on people”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“OMGJK” -atheists