Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
There’s never enough good news
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”