ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
You Might Also Like
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
And now we wait
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.