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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
🤭😂
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl