There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
You Might Also Like
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”