My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
You Might Also Like
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.