In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
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During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.