my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.