*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
#NoRestForTheWicked
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.