One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Velcrow
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.