The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Nomnomnomnom
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?