welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐