My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
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ok this is my dumbest yet
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’m not proud
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat