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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
โBEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing pingโ
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Chinese takeaway – ยฃ17
Delivery charge – ยฃ1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice Iโve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next timeโฆIโm gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolateโฆIn fact, thereโs never more chocolateโฆFor, her mother, eats it all.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then donโt count to three
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I donโt know if this would be classified as โunethicalโ but I have filled my neighbourโs eavestroughs with birdseed.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Pat is about to own someone
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you donโt have time for.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. ๐
2000: I donโt want no scrubs
2020: Iโm actually gonna need all those scrubs.
How am I supposed to โact my ageโ when Iโve never been this age before now?