Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.