Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.