need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”