Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Is….Is this an option?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
lost dog
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.