My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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