The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
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I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Imma just leave this here…………
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
She was REALLY feeling it.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?