my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
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I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.