My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”