The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
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*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*