Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.