My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.