Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.