Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.