Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Always…