I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
man i love columbo
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The USS B port
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*