There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A friend sent me this.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*