my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You Might Also Like
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Effort made
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting