[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My blood type is b hungry.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.