All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap