Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
You Might Also Like
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader