If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist