“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Air conditioning – not a fan
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
One venti cheeseburger please.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.