why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
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*jingles half the way*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?